That which we most fear is what we are in greatest peril of
becoming. And so it was, years after I had my first nightmare about a vampire. It began so
simply. Ironically, so easy was the metamorphosis, it was like gently slipping into sleep;
I began to live the nightmare and didn't know it. yet, I have no recollection of being
bitten. Hmph, Hollywood.
The Darkness first embraced me in my teenage-years. As most are,
at this awkward age, I was filled with angst on a regular basis: what to wear, who wanted
to befriend me, were these people of a clan that was prestigious, which gothic novel to
sink my teeth into during this feeding period... Gone were the playful, happy-go-lucky
days of childhood, but this was good: these years formed the foundation of my subsequent
prowess as a Supreme Unbeing. Here, I learned about the importance of appearances, social
order (the adolescent Caste system) and to distrust my instincts in where to place my
affections. So, I decided to, basically, walk alone. In a word, life really
"sucked"; this was a good start indeed.
By the time I graduated from high school, I was amazed to
discover that I had developed the very sharp teeth of cynicism and judgment. Beliefs such
as "all Aquarians take have no feelings" and "I can never be wrong"
were hewn upon my impressionable mind as if it were scripture. I also developed a very
weird hatred for daylight. My mother used to say that only manic depressives' slept all
the time; come to think of it, I really was depressed. How could I not be? I was going to
be sent off to college in the City of the Angels.
The tortuous years I spent in college served to further evolve
the internal vampire, and it gave me the ability to perform with much more finesse. My
words became my weapon which I sunk deeply into many a jugular; the little bit of
knowledge I had was license to destroy. I was becoming more fearful, desperately trying to
squelch a part of myself that wanted to be quietly wise, peaceful and radiant? No matter.
Those questions ere too complicated. Fortunately, although submerged in the bloodsport of
the Ego, in this utterly dark game to which I had committed myself, I had, unconsciously,
also provided for a little celestial help.
Angels in the Outfield
Everyone should have at least one person they call a close friend.
If the outer world is a mirror of our perceptions and judgments, and these are tainted
with paranoia and images of fear, then it's a true miracle when the mirror has a gentle
voice. At first, I chose to befriend other vampires; those that shunned the day and wasted
away their ceaseless nights. I observed. Each taught me great lessons through their own
learning, through their own wrestling of demons.
However, there were a small group of angels in disguise, whom I had the good fortune of
meeting, that are still with me to this day. These were the Ones who asked the perfect
questions of me, challenged that part of me that wanted to walk in the sun. Thus began my
inner turmoil: what kind of vampire would I like to be when I really grew up and if I
really wanted to be one after all.
Perfection is a state attainable only by those who commit their lives to a single purpose.
During these years, I was highly scattered, and many times, I wondered if I should drive
the proverbial stake into the heart of this vampire that had grown within. Perfection of
darkness was not sitting well with me anymore, and I continued on this path until I could
walk no more. Though my story is highly condensed, I went through many a trial by fire
just to see the Light. How utterly silly can we be?
Chronicles of the Vampire
What is a vampire? Isn't it one who sucks the life out of someone
else, justifying the stealing by saying that the torture was necessary for its survival?
Think about this as you criticize your children or when you look away as another dolphin
lies dead in a fish net. Isn't it also a being that has lost its sense of happiness and
fulfillment, so it hurts others but loathes itself, night after night, for having to do
it? Think about this as well as you scream at your spouse or when you ponder the death
penalty.
The vampire dwells in and awaits the chance to control all of us. It grows
every time we
choose to see darkness rather than light, each time we choose to negatively judge instead
of find compassion, acceptance and understanding. It alienates us from the true light and
beauty of the world as we condemn ourselves to our own hells.
In retrospect, I am glad for these experiences. A teacher once told me, "you cannot
know the light until you know the darkness." I remember telling this story to someone
I knew, a vampire-in-denial, who immediately rejected it and called me silly.
"Vampires are not real, Jo," she said. "Careful... what you most fear is
what you might become." Then, as she donned her wide-brimmed hat and put on her coat,
trying not to shrivel in the little bit of sun or melt in the mist of Spring, she cursed
all of creation for this utterly hapless day. I, of course, smiled.
